fuck it?

My friend just got her final callback for a show on Broadway. I couldn't be more excited for her, so why am I in such a bad mood? Probably because it's hard to watch someone be handed an opportunity you'd kill to have. She was told yesterday that she's auditioning and she's all ready to go next week. Her parents are completely 100% behind her and excited. Maybe this is why I'm so jealous--because I know that no matter what I do my parents will never be like that. I've tried to explain it to them, but if you're not in the business you can't really understand. This same show I've planned on auditioning for since the beginning, but have never actually auditioned because my parents stood in my way. Every time an audition comes up I prepare, and plan, and beg to go, but somehow it never works out. My parents always come up with some lame excuse or another. They promise that I'll go to the next audition, that no matter what they'll make sure I can go to the next audition. But then the next one comes, they say I can go, they say they'll look into it, they say they'll think about it, but after all their promises they come up with another excuse. I've realized that I don't need other people, but I'm lucky enough to have a few close friends I can trust. They keep me sane and make me laugh. But that's not to say that without them I would go insane. Over the past year I've realized that I can be on my own. I don't need to rely on my parents as I once did when I was a kid, and although I wish I could look to them for support, I now know that I can't trust them and I've come to accept it. Do we keep putting unconditional faith in someone we love, even when they continue to let us down time after time? Or do we finally grow up, face reality, and realize that the only person you can trust is ourselves?

So this brings me to my biggest question; when do we just say "fuck it"? I have a possible audition for this show in 3 weeks. It's in NYC and I'm currently in Pittsburgh. I could turn to my parents, look for support, beg, and see what happens, or I could get over myself, prepare, buy myself a bus ticket and get my ass up there. Alone. My brain tells me to wait, be responsible, and ask my parents to take me. I know it's not the safest for me to take a greyhound up to New York alone in the middle of the night with no place to say. But I feel that by doing that I'm subconsciously chickening out of the audition. Every time I'm about to walk on stage I get butterflies and ask myself "why do I do this"? And every time I answer myself saying "because I love it." That moment of doubt, apprehension, and spontaneous need to back down that I suppress seems to materialize every time I miss an audition. When I get nervous I always tell myself "I can always walk away, and it would be fine", but I know it wouldn't. Who wants to spend their life asking "What if"? I don't. My heart is telling me to take a risk and go for it. Act now, think later. Deal with the repercussions later, but at least I won't ask myself "what if". What do I do? Do I listen to logic? Or do I pull the safety net out from under me, get on that bus and say "fuck it"?