Nostalgia

I just finished by last character analysis for ETC ever! (Sidenote: Daytimes are Tuesday and Wednesday, and I hate them. I still don't know my lines.) I'm graduating in less then a month, I only have 10 days of school left and it's so weird. Everything I've ever known is coming to an end faster then I'd like it to, but I just have to keep reminding myself I'm leaving to do what I've always wanted to do. It doesn't seem real. I've wanted to be an actress and move to New York City since I can remember, and now that it's acutally happening, it's hard to beleive. It's almost as if someone will tell me last minute that something fell through, and I'm going to have to stay here. But I know that's not going to happen. I'm moving to New York City in 101 days, and my entire life is going to change. I can't wait. People always talk about the "college experience," about getting drunk, joinging a soriority, crazy parties...but the think is, I don't want that. Maybe I will be missing out on a experience that I should be having, but I'd rather be a drama major, audition whenever I can, and take dance classes insead of partying on the weekends. I guess it's been the same with high school. Sure, I have a lot of great friends. According to facebook I'm the 20th "Most Popular" but I often find myself wondering if I ever had the regualr high school experience. I've been reflecting a lot lately, and I've realized that no, I didn't have the regular experience. I didn't go to parties every weekend, I didn't date that much, I didn't go to that many football games. So after considering all of this I found myself wondering what I have done. I've done more then most people at my school. So I was never a cheerleader, but I did a million shows. This year alone I've done 4. I've danced at a studio on Broadway. I've auditioned for Broadway shows. At age 16, when most girls spent their time worrying about getting their drivers license, I spent my drivers test worrying about my audition that weekend in NYC. To give you an idea here are my most recent statuses on facebook:

Chloe is meeting with a Broadway director!

 
Chloe won the scavenger hunt...suckadick.

 
Chloe 31.

 
Chloe is in love with California for legalizing same sex marriage.

 
Chloe 32.

 
Chloe doesn't know her lines.

 
Chloe 33.

 
Chloe is 34 days!

 
Chloe is 35 days!

 
Chloe is studying for AP Psych.

 
Chloe this Emily should stop being a whore and let her know what the essay questions are.

 
Chloe is studying for AP psych.

 
Chloe hates daytimes.

 
Chloe miz.

 
Chloe is so happy it's the weekend...and thinks you should come see the mizzle tonight.

 
Chloe doesn't like this whole "be at school on time of you can't perform" thing.

 
Chloe is opening les miz.


Chloe is a goddamn apple.


 
Chloe 's soul is owned by les miz.

 
Chloe wants to know what time call is tonight.

 
Chloe wants to go to Florida now!

 
Chloe saw Bill and Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama all in one day!

 
Chloe is seeing Barack Obama speak at Pitt!

 
Chloe is with ETC girls til tomrrow!

 
Chloe is in New York City and AUDITIONING FOR SPRING AWAKENING ON BROADWAY TODAY!!!!


Chloe is in New York City and AUDITIONING FOR BROADWAY TOMRROW!


 
Chloe is in New York City...and is auditioning for Spring Awakening on BROADWAY on Sunday! Wish her luck!


I guess you just have to put everything in perspective. Sure, I'm not the average high school student, but who wants to be? Prom is on Thursday, and I'm going to be standing the middle of a crowd of poofy pastel ballgowns and fake nails with a short purple and gold and turquoise dress with a flower in my hair. Instead of taking a limo, I'm taking the subway to prom. And I love it. It's hard to think about what I'm leaving behind, but everytime I look to the future, everything I'm leaving behind seems trival. Leaving my home is hard, but it's the most exhilarating, liberating, terrifyingly beautiful thing I've ever experienced.

fuck it?

My friend just got her final callback for a show on Broadway. I couldn't be more excited for her, so why am I in such a bad mood? Probably because it's hard to watch someone be handed an opportunity you'd kill to have. She was told yesterday that she's auditioning and she's all ready to go next week. Her parents are completely 100% behind her and excited. Maybe this is why I'm so jealous--because I know that no matter what I do my parents will never be like that. I've tried to explain it to them, but if you're not in the business you can't really understand. This same show I've planned on auditioning for since the beginning, but have never actually auditioned because my parents stood in my way. Every time an audition comes up I prepare, and plan, and beg to go, but somehow it never works out. My parents always come up with some lame excuse or another. They promise that I'll go to the next audition, that no matter what they'll make sure I can go to the next audition. But then the next one comes, they say I can go, they say they'll look into it, they say they'll think about it, but after all their promises they come up with another excuse. I've realized that I don't need other people, but I'm lucky enough to have a few close friends I can trust. They keep me sane and make me laugh. But that's not to say that without them I would go insane. Over the past year I've realized that I can be on my own. I don't need to rely on my parents as I once did when I was a kid, and although I wish I could look to them for support, I now know that I can't trust them and I've come to accept it. Do we keep putting unconditional faith in someone we love, even when they continue to let us down time after time? Or do we finally grow up, face reality, and realize that the only person you can trust is ourselves?

So this brings me to my biggest question; when do we just say "fuck it"? I have a possible audition for this show in 3 weeks. It's in NYC and I'm currently in Pittsburgh. I could turn to my parents, look for support, beg, and see what happens, or I could get over myself, prepare, buy myself a bus ticket and get my ass up there. Alone. My brain tells me to wait, be responsible, and ask my parents to take me. I know it's not the safest for me to take a greyhound up to New York alone in the middle of the night with no place to say. But I feel that by doing that I'm subconsciously chickening out of the audition. Every time I'm about to walk on stage I get butterflies and ask myself "why do I do this"? And every time I answer myself saying "because I love it." That moment of doubt, apprehension, and spontaneous need to back down that I suppress seems to materialize every time I miss an audition. When I get nervous I always tell myself "I can always walk away, and it would be fine", but I know it wouldn't. Who wants to spend their life asking "What if"? I don't. My heart is telling me to take a risk and go for it. Act now, think later. Deal with the repercussions later, but at least I won't ask myself "what if". What do I do? Do I listen to logic? Or do I pull the safety net out from under me, get on that bus and say "fuck it"?

I want to live already!

So I read or heard this quote -- it was from an interview or a movie, i don’t remember -- it said “I want the whole world to know who I am,” and I realized that's what I want. We only live once, and I want to experience it as much as I can. I want to travel the world, I want to be famous, I want to be crazy rich, and I want to skydive. Not really, the whole concept of throwing my not-so-immortal-self out of a plane thousands of feet in the air to plummet back to the ground doesn’t appeal to me, But you get my point. I want to LIVE. I guess this is one of the reasons why I started this blog. To keep track of my thoughts, what I do, stupid things I say.

Side note: Is is okay to take 2 or 3 Advil? It says to only take one every 12 hours, but I have a massive headache and one isn’t really working. I’m ready to go take another one but I don’t want to end up like the girl in my choir last year who somehow OD-ed on Tylenol and ended up in the hospital claiming it was a suicide attempt. But the good news is I’m not suicidal! If I was that’d totes contradict everything I just wrote about.

Today I decided to “experience” instead of school. I didn’t really do anything exciting, but it was better the school. I went to Friday’s with Nicole and Jeremy, we went to get Jeremy a new cell phone, and we went to Barns&Noble where I sat in a chair with my peach Jones Soda and read an entire Post Secret book. I got more out of it then I would if I went to school. Yesterday in my Shakespeare class I started writing a blog:

“Remember film strips from like the 60’s? The ones that ding and you click to the next slide? I do. I wasn’t alive in the 60’s, but I am watching one of those film strips so I feel like I’m in the 60’s...only without the LSD. I’m sitting in Shakespeare class watching a film strip on Macbeth. We read that in 10th grade, and now I get to read it again. Awesome. Shakespeare class was probably the worst decision ever. It’s so boring! For tomorrow I have to write a 1,000 word letter to Shakespeare telling him what I thought of Othello. To be honest, I thought it was drawn out, morbid, and predictable.”

That’s all I wrote before the film strip ended. I always feel like I need a week long break between those classes. I have it again tomorrow, but I’m tempted not to go. We have a gun threat tomorrow, and my mom has spent the better part of the evening trying to convince me not to go at all tomorrow. I feel like I should go since I missed today, although tomorrow morning I’ll change my mind and not go. I can go experience Nicole’s living room or something instead.


Spice Girls just came on shuffle, and I’ve realized something. I think I like them more now then I did when I was in elementary school when there were crazy popular. I get crazy excited over songs like Wannabe, anything old Brittany Spears, Backstreet Boys, Nsync, or Hanson. In 2nd grade me and one of my best friends at the time bought the new Hanson CD (the one with Mmmbop) and went to her house and jumped on her bed and blasted it. A decade later she just had a baby and I still get excited when I listen to Hanson. (Which I did today.) It’s kinda funny how people change.


But while I’m talking about music, I have a bunch of new favorite songs!!! I’m currently addicted to Carla Bruni. I listen to her all the time. It’s really good music to relax to, or do homework to, or write to, or listen to in the shower...you know. Whatevs. Also it’s in French, so I don’t feel the need to obnoxiously sing along to every song ever. And also, “Die Alone” by Ingrid Michaelson is awesome. Nicole sent it to me when I was talking to her in the middle of the night trying to write a paper, and I love it. Seriously, I get some of my best music from random people sending things to me in the middle of the night while I’m writing papers and doing homework.

Did you know that technically you only are allowed 25 minutes per scrabble game? I didn’t. This is what I learn from the food network. I’m watching Ace of Cakes and they’re making a scrabble cake and getting all into it. One time it was this girl’s birthday and we didn’t really like her, so we put weird things in her cake. She still doesn’t know.

I’m kinda off topic from the whole “I want to experience life” thing. But the thing is, I don’t really feel like I’ve experienced anything lately. Although nothing profoundly excited has happened there have been some funny stories, like the lady from the changing room in Chelsea studios. I was were for an audition last week and afterwards I was changing and I couldn’t decide what shirt to wear. I had one that says; “War is over if you want it” and I wanted to wear it, but I was worried it would be to shear. I asked the lady what she thought and she goes; “There’s no such thing as too shear!” I ended up wearing the shirt, and she said “darlin'” a lot and now we’re best friends. Not really, but she was auditioning for The Producers, so if you’re reading this -- I HOPE YOU GET IT! The same day I was walking in Central Park (Iggie Pop ran by me...I thought he was dead, apparently not.) and we walked by Strawberry Fields and I decided to be cute and take a picture with my shirt in front of the Imagine thing and I thought I was all clever.

...And by thought I mean I am. I’m effing brilliant. Obvi.

I took this quiz in AP Psych to see if I had a well developed sense of myself. It was like those quizes in teenVouge where you add up how many A's, B's and C's, except instead of finding out if he's the one or what shade of BonnieBell lipsmakers (which I still wear) flavor describes your personality it told you weather or not you're a functioning member of society. I am. But my second highest score was the lowest level basically telling you that you have no idea who you are, you have no sense of yourself and you fail at life. Maybe it's because I can't function without things like my cell phone and iBook. Kinda like now. I didn't bring my computer to the theater today so I'm writing this out (But on the upside I do have my iPod, which I didn't have yesterday. I'm listening to Kate Nash, who I'm currently addicted to). After a while you run our of things to do during your 20 minute break during act two and the only things left are taking slightly provocative and slightly more hilarious pictures like this or blogging, and I really want my iBook. But we rough it here. Kinda like how my vitamin water sat up against the make-up lights druing act one and got all warm so it's now sitting outside of a side door getting cold again instead of in a fridge. I don't like warm vitamin water.


We had some random people backstage today. Nicole is here so she came back for a little bit before the show while I was getting ready and it was totally chill then, but intermission was crazy and then people came back and kicked everyone out. But for some reason the green room was like a giant mosh pit. Speaking of giant, that's the size of my headache. I have a love/hate relationship with two show days. I'm currently hating it because I have a major headache and I have to do another show tonight. Maybe it's because Bailey was over 'til 1:00 last night and I got up at 8:30 to go shopping with my friend. It's his birthday. It's also National Hug A Gay Day so it's like his birthday times eight. That and the fact that a singing telegram dressed as Prince Charming showed up to the theater to sing to him. He did it in the lobby so the audience saw it too. We have it on video, and it's already on facebook...less then a day after it happened. Which goes to show how facebook controls people's lives, is more addicting then meth, and ruins families. Not really, but it's my main reason for not getting things done.

I'd rather be writing to Leslie Hall

Aloha! I'm trying to pretend I'm somewhere nice and warm where you could say "aloha" and not get weird looks, but sadly I'm in the cold and snow and rain and all that. Instead of doing my AP Psych homework I'm here, because my homework is dumb. I'm supposed to write a letter to my future child. Except the problem is I don't really know if I want any children. I teach them dance, and that's enough for me right now. You get your little dose of cuteness and loudness and screaming and running around and then they go back home where their parents have to deal with them and I can go home and only have to deal with people in their 40's. But the alternative is writing a letter to my parents with my thoughts on their parenting. Except if I did that it would turn into an angry rant and my teacher would have a parent conference and I'd end up at a therapist. Like my aunt. Except she's not really a therapist, she just thinks she is because she went to school to become a therapist, but she quit and now she has a 3 year old Russian. My friend wrote a brill letter that I would totally use if I wasn't getting graded:

"Dear So&so,

You were a complete accident, thank god I won when I sued the condom company. Thanks for the 9 months of pain and not to mention the stretch marks. No really, they add charm. Don't fuck up your life with a child.

LOVE,

'mom'"

In reality my letter is like "I hope you have a great childhood and you're able to achieve your dreams bla bla bla." It's only a page and a half, because there's only so much you can B.S.


Does anyone want a Jem Sweater?! Because this lady, Leslie Hall, has them, I'm sure you can borrow one. Seriously, she has videos on Youtube and everything! It's amazing. Just look through her pictures, she names all of her sweaters! And not like "Frank" or "Lisa" or "Judy" she names them weird ass things like "Brown Bear Looking Glass" and "First Lady Manners" and "Ball Bells Squad Leader". After being featured on VH1, I have decided I'm going to be best friends with her.

Starting tomorrow I can't straighten my hair. Which is totes not cool because it'll be a big massive mess of frizz! But because we're in hair and make-up for rehearsals starting tomorrow I can't use conditioner or straighten it so they can do it when I get to the theater. We preview on Wednesday, so we've all been living at the theater. Except for today. Today I lived in my bed. My one day off and I laid in bed, lurked facebook, ate pancakes, and went to the pet store with Nicole so she could buy frozen dead mice for her snake. My life is awesome.

Speaking of awesome-ness, a while ago I said I wanted to go to college in Manhattan so I can work while I'm in school...wellllllll, I'm accepted into college so I will be able to do all that fun stuff.

And also hang with Naked Cowboy. Who I've been seeing less and less. I miss him. Remember when he was in that Avril Lavigne music video? And also, remember when people liked Avril Lavigne? I do. I went to her concert in 7th grade. I was the shit.

Obama rockin' out to B*Witched?!

“Half of the U.S. soldiers in Vietnam tried heroin or opium.”

This is what I learned while doing my AP Psychology homework tonight. Which wasn’t really homework, it was more like me aimlessly taking notes and not processing the information at all. Anyway, I thought that was interesting. I mean, is that stuff happening in Iraq now? I mean, soldiers are already over there for no reason, and if I was one of them I would totally be sparking it up and tripping and all that crazy stuff the kids are into these days.


Also, Barack Obama won the Iowa caucus! I’m pretty happy about that. And then some ass was like “it doesn’t really mean anything” and I was like whatevs let me have my moment!!! I’m pretty excited for this election, and I’m totally not going to be one of those punks who are all like “voting, whatever, I have to many emotions for that...I need to go listed to Good Charlotte” and I'm totally going to vote and campaign and all that fun stuff. Especially for Obama. (Bang-able president ‘08! HOLLA!) Not really, but that's a good slogan, right?! Most def.

I saw Sweeney Todd this afternoon. It was good, but ridiculously bloody. Like, me and Carol were covering our eyes half the time. Johnny Depp was surprisingly good, and I think I love his voice a little bit. I mean obvs he’s not the typical musical theater singing, but that's what I like about it. Helena Bonham Carter was effing awesome. I mean, not the singing, but the acting. And she was hot--like, creepy hot.


Okay, so I’m listening to iTunes and it’s just on shuffle and I’m realizing how random my music is. I mean, the CD in my car right now has Les Mis and Jay-Z on the same CD, whatevs. That’s totally normal. Remember B*Witched? I do. I still crank up the volume and rock out in my car to them. With other people. I don’t rock out to B*Witched alone. (If I’m alone I normally rock out to Sara Bareilles or Fergie or Tegan and Sara or Across the Universe. Because obvs trippy rock musicals with hot british people are the epidimy of “rock out in your car alone to” playlists. My friend called me tonight and was like “I was driving next to you for like 5 minutes. I honked and waved and stuff, but you were completely oblivious!” Why was I completely oblivious? Because I was rocking out to my mad mix CD of gold...duh.) After that whole rant I thought I’d leave you with a list of my 10 most recently played songs...so you have have an illegal-download-music-from-limewire-rave-fest if you’re bored enough.

1. Ne Me Quitte Pas -- Regina Spektor
2. Slow Me Down -- Emmy Rossum
3. Where Does the Good Go -- Tegan and Sara
4. Suddenly I See -- KT Tunstall
5. Love Song -- Sara Bareilles
6. Revolution -- The Beatles
7. I’ve Just Seen A Face -- The Beatles
8. Clumsy -- Fergie
9. Say So -- Uh Huh Her
10. Cyclone -- Baby Bash

Let's Blog It Up!

So a “blog.” Wow. I probably should wait until after I’m accepted into a school [except Point Park, I’m already accepted there (WHAT'S UP COPA!?)] to start this thing, because apparently schools have professional stalkers to find out every intimate detail about you; i.e. the parties you go to, the people you hang out with, the drugs you take, the alcohol you consume in mass quantities on a weekly basis, the number of illegal immigrants you have living in your basement, the number of illegitimate children you have running around pretending to be your “little brother that was born the same time you did a semester abroad”, and your extra curricular activities.
Except, I don’t go to that many shady parties, and I don’t do drugs [which apparently came as a shock to my dad.] But seriously, I don’t smoke pot, or take shrooms, or trip on E, or acid, although if you look between my toes you’ll find a plethora of needle marks. JAY KAY! I totally hate needles. And also, I don’t have any illegals living in my house, and I’m not really into the whole teen pregnancy thing so I don’t have any kids. Having said all this, if you’re from a college and are continuing to stalk me, would you like to hire me? I spend about a third of the time that should be dedicated to homework and being productive lurking people’s facebook, I could totally do it professionally.

Anyway, so this blog is basically for me to rant about stupid stuff that happens in my life. Here’s a preview:

I’m currently at the library on a self-imposed snow day. We had a delay and I was like “Hey Mom, I need to find a monologue so I can get into college! I’m going to the library, I’ll go to school later.” So I got here and there was a booth open by a window and I was all oh that’ll be nice. But after sitting here for an hour I realized that sitting by a giant window in the middle of winter is maybe not the best idea. But now that I’m here and my shit is all over the table and I can put my feet up on the bench across from me, I’m not moving.

So 2008 is off to a great start. I haven’t been to school one day yet, and I continue to procrastinate. Kinda like I’m doing right now, instead of finding a monologue for my auditions which are in a month and a half. But whatever, it’s cool, I totally have my 16 bars and they’re really cute and everything. Also, I have no idea what to wear!? “Dress nicely but be able to move comfortably.” Is that like jeans and a nice shirt? A dress? I can move comfortably in a dress unless you want me to roll around on the floor and do a split or something. I mean I could still do it comfortably, you’d just see my ass. Would I get extra points if you do see my ass? If you don’t know me, these crazy tangents are how I normally talk. Anyway, here I am, sitting in my cold little cubby hole at the library, writing this instead of getting into school.

That’s my New Year’s resolution, to get into a good school. Preferably one in Manhattan. It’s just that the whole “starving artist” thing works so much better when you actually have a steady flow of work and auditions to help you become not-starving. Also, there's stuff to do in Manhattan. If you want to become a trapeze artist, you can do it there. Like that one time in Sex and the City. She totally does it for an article and it’s sweet. Me and my friend are going to do that. We totally googled it and everything and we’re going to go and it’s going to be fun and we’re not going to die and maybe we’ll get a really hot instructor.

Speaking of friends, the same friend is supposed to be meeting my at my little cold booth in the library to help me look for monologues and provide moral support. Except she’s still asleep. It’s 11:57...I got up at 8:45 like the good little student I am. Except for the part about how I’m not in school. Other then that I’m a good student. So since she’s still asleep I’m here all alone with my iBook and my vitamin water, which I’m slowly becoming addicted to. I don’t like all of it though. Just the pink and the yellow.

Hey college stalkers?! Still with me? If so, you can totally lurk her too:



This video only furthers my point how much I love vitamin water. I’m pretty sure I mention it in our other video too. [Sorry college stalkers, I’m not addicted, I can quit any time I want.]

The guy sitting at the table next to me is typing really fast. It’s kinda like one of those professional piano players who gets really into it and starts to like lean into the piano and sway and stuff. Anyway, I think I might be the only one under 30 in the entire library right now. No! I lied. A four year old just ran by.

Ew, my hip just popped.

One thing that sucks when you’re skipping class to be productive and you try to procrastinate is that there is really nothing to procrastinate with. No one is on AIM or facebook, and there’s only so many “walls” you can write on before people can tell that you don’t actually give a shit about communicating with them, you’re just trying to amuse yourself. Remember before AIM and facebook and myspace? Before creepy old men could stalk you? And also, remember dial up? I do. I had it til like 2 years ago. Like it used to take 5 minutes to get on AOL and you had all those crazy screeching noises...yeah, it was pretty awesome. And also, remember the 90’s? Like leggings? They’re coming back, and I’m pretty excited about it. I could probably wear the leggings from when I was 10. I’m pretty short.

Also, remember chain letters? Like, before chain e-mails (which I was totally into for a while, like e-mail. Me and Nicole are trying to bring it back.) there were chain letters. Where you would literally get a letter and you’d have to go make copies and address envelopes and pay for postage and I was all excited when I got one in the mail and then I thought about about all the effort it would take to keep it going and I was like; fuck this! Except not. Because I was like 11. I just got a chain text, which I think is totally hilarious. Except for the face that it’s like “I sent this to the 15 most important people in my life. If I don’t get it back I understand,” and then you’re like; SHHIIIIEEET! I don’t want to send this back to you, but I totally do appreciate you, or care about you, or whatevs.


The season premier of Law and Order is on tonight. And also the first episode of Project Runway for 2008. It’s a tough choice. I’ll have to flip back and fourth between commercials. Does Elisa seriously bother anyone else? I mean, she spits on fabric!! Like...EW! I guess some people are into that, but I don’t want anyone spitting on anything I’m wearing. And also, I think she might be slightly psychotic. If you have no idea what I’m talking about this is the link to her bio for easy access...I’m all about that.

http://www.bravotv.com/Project_Runway/season/4/bios/index.php?cat=designer&p=elisa


GOOD NEWS! While I'm putting this online I flipped on the last few minutes of Project Runway and Elisa just got kicked off!